I am currently back on the computer, and loving it! I feel like I am involved in people’s lives again! Anyway, my “shut off” experience was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! Every second of it was worth it! God did many many things in my life that I NEVER expected. Though it was very hard, it was TOTALLY worth it! I went through a lot of pain, a lot of realization, and A LOT of healing. And to make it all worth while, the “grand finale” was — MY MAMA IS CANCER FREE! Our God is good and this is my experience:
WARNING: these are my journal entries from the entire month–all together they are confusing, long, frustrating, raw and honest. But God will use my experience to help others! God is good and He NEVER says “oops”.
September 19, 2009
It is the night before I shut myself off, and to be completely honest, I am quite excited about it. I just said goodbye to everyone in my phone which made me kind of really sad, but I know this will be a really good experience. I am so excited to be stuck on my Jesus again. Every time I think about wanting to get on facebook, or wanting to tweet about something, I’m going to dig into the word, journal, and just spend time with my Savior…sometimes we have to go to the extreme to get thins right, and I love challenges. This is definitely a big one! I am drawing back to my Savior and talking to Him more than I ever have. Everyone will be right there waiting for me when I have returned. This won’t kill anyone, and honestly I can’t get this straight without going to this extreme. I now with all my heart and soul that I love my God with everything, but I am not being active with my love for Him. We are supposed to continuously grow with Him, and that is exactly what I intend to do in these days to come! It will definitely be a difficult and challenging blessing in my life. Phil 4:13–I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! I know I’m doing the right thing. I love my God and we must die to ourselves so we can live for Him! I will do whatever it takes to please my Father and chase after my God! He is mighty and powerful and I know He has called me to do this. I know it! Oh Boy…….Here we go…….
September 20, 2009
Ok so my first day away from the world…
Not extremely hard to do…I didn’t text anyone, but my dad kept telling me to call him, so I had to turn my phone on to return his calls. That was my only let down to keeping my phone off. Facebook and twitter really is not that hard to stay away from, but I feel like I’m gonna have 1000s of pictures to look at when I return. Now the thing that I need to do is make my prayer list, and I need to do better about praying when I think about texting or facebook. After all, it is Christ who gives me the strength to do this right?
I have been thinking about a lot of people today 😦 It makes me sad to not text them right away, but when they pop in my head, I say a quick prayer and make a note to call them by the end of the month. I truly believe God brings names to our minds for a reason, and I definitely don’t take it lightly. God has already been doing work the first day…
I went to Life Church today, and Craig was talking about drifting from God, and it really touched my heart because that is the WHOLE reason why I’m doing this. I drifted from God big time last year, and this is the first time I have taken a strong action to move back into his arms! He told a story about a husband and wife that sat next to one another in the car all the time until 20 years later they sat across from one another – all the husband said was “I haven’t moved” which is the same because God hasn’t moved. I was the one that drifted.
We sang “Everlasting” which really touched my heart because today I was following my purpose – the art of losing myself in bringing you praise – I am dying to this world to bring Him praise! I’m excited about it! I have made a statement!
Verses to Remember:
O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you…Psalm 63:1
Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the father is not in him…1 John 2:15
…You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first…Revelation 2:4-5
RETURNING 2 MY 1ST LOVE
September 22, 2009
Today was more of a struggle than the other days. I went home to Edmond, and the only thing I could think about was the fact that I wanted to text everyone and tell them to come see me, but I didn’t. I was able to sit and watch the volleyball games without texting anyone. Man oh man it’s going to be a long month ha! ha!
As for some spiritual aspects of my journey, God has laid something very serious on my heart. There are two guys here at school that don’t do “that church thing”, and I really feel called to invite them and now that’s what I’m going to continue to do. As for now nothing huge has happened, but I have mentioned to both of them why I have made certain commitments…one was very interested in the things I was saying about Christ wiping my slate clean by dying for me. A seed was planted, and now I have to put forth some action. I’m slightly nervous, but I know it has to be done. God has called me to do this, and i trust he will give me good timing and strength to keep pushing. I’m excitedly nervous 🙂 I’ll be sure to keep writing about outcomes.
God, I sit here in my bed, and you have laid Connor’s friend Ross on my heart. He recently was injured, and you know how he is doing even though I don’t. God place your healing hand on him – bring him peace and quick recovery. Also God please take care of my bub Connor. Please give him the strength and courage to continue with his Bible Study that you called him to do. God please keep him on the right path and continue to grow with him. Let him have all the happiness he can. Bring him joy and peace in every situation. Let him see your face and chase after you harder and stronger than he ever has before!
September 23, 2009
The greatest reminders are through nature. I totally forgot that God uses the smallest things in everyday life to remind me of His glory, his power, his beauty 🙂 My God showed me yesterday. All of these things through the most spectacular clouds I have ever seen! We were driving back to Edmond for a volleyball game, and the sun was illuminating the clouds in such a glorious way! I couldn’t help but take a picture and thank God for giving me such a site to see. Not only did God show me that while driving, but for once I wasn’t texting on my way to class, so I was able to look around and see the world. I listened to our band for a minute and praised God for the gift of hearing. I stopped and felt our fountain in front of the library and loved the gift of feeling. The weather is getting cooler which means the leaves will be changing soon. I praise God for the changing seasons and the sun that keeps us alive. It makes me so happy to walk to class and just feel God walking with me.
My daddy also sent me a really good short devo thing. It was about not talking negatively about yourself. Saying insulting yourself is saying that God made a mistake when He created you. It was a good reminder that I was made perfectly fine the way I am in Christ. It was a self esteem booster!
As fro the cutoff, it’s still going really well, it is so nice to actually talk to people over the phone – it is SO much more personable and it’s just really nice. Another thing I have fallen in love with is email! It’s so fun and I am definitely keeping that art alive! 🙂 This has been a really good thing for me, and it’s nice to get back into things. School is going well and everything and I am glad to say I am dying my hair tomorrow with my good pal Lauren 🙂 I’ll be sure to put some pics up! I’m excited! Goodnight to all! All college kids need the rest ha! ha! Haven’t been doing that well! Peace Love and Pizza! (ok, so a note not in my journal — that was one of the dorkiest things I have ever said ha! ha! Don’t journal at 3 in the morning ha! ha!)
September 26, 2009
Ok so one thing I REALLY can’t stand about this cutoff is the fact that I am forced to grow and realize things that I have been denying for 10 LONG months. I tried to be ok, and I tried to move on, but I just couldn’t do it. Being in love with someone that doesn’t love you back is one of the most painful things anyone could ever go through. I just didn’t want to admit to being that girl. Well, I am. I am coming to the realization that my phone and ALL lines of communication need to be cutoff until I can desire my God and only my God. I hate to do this. but I am only going to be communicating with my parents, Lauren and Cheyenne. I just have to let go of my past and spend time with my Father. Just thinking about doing this breaks my heart, but those that truly care for me, know my heart, and they know I have to do this. The boy I love has become my drug, and I hate that I let that happen. I need to run to my God and rest in His arms. I need to trust that there is a man of God out there waiting for me. I just need to let loose and chase after God. As he is doing the same, one day our paths will cross while on God’s. I trust that – well I’m getting there. My heart is broken and hurting. The only one who can fix it has never moved, and He is waiting for me to run strong, back into His arms. God I fall on my face and cry out to you! I can’t do this without you! I need help. I am at my weakest point. Please God pick me up and take me with you.
Romans 8:18-30…For I consider that the sufferings of this present time aren’t worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, te redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now who hopes for what he sees? But if we hoe for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.
Romans 8:6…For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace
GOOD MORNING BEAUTIFUL I GAVE YOU THAT BREATH AND OPENED YOUR EYES. FEAR NOTHING FOR I AM WALKING WITH YOU TODAY. GET UP. LET’S GO TOGETHER!
September 30, 2009
My God, my God boy have you been carving at my heart. Out with the old, and in with the new. God I know that you have forgiven me and you only see your son’s blood over me. Yo have given me a clean slate, but you know me – I’m way too hard on myself. I can’t seem to let go of my mistakes and forgive myself. I need your help. God I need some good helpful guidance and leadership in m life! There is temptation and pain around every corner I turn. God help me forgive myself. Help me to face all of my problems head on – I don’t want to run from them – but also – once I face them – help me move on and forget them. Well, not forget, but just not feel so dad gum guilty anymore. Lord you spoke to me tonight at Overflow through “Embracing Accusations” – God I simply want to do that. I want to embrace the fact that Satan is bringing all this to my mind. God help me battle against him and live in your peace. God I know in my heart that you have forgiven it all, and i know I am renewed through Jesus Christ who died for me, just help me get and accept it for myself. God just as the song says – Satan sings the part to all of us – you are sinners, and sin is death – but he forgets the refrain that says Jesus saves – God, I don’t feel strong. There are many times in my life when it was easy to get up and breathe easy, but this is not one of those times. I am hurting, and that is the first step for me. If I were to be completely honest with myself, I have been hurting for a long time.
The father of lies – coming to steal – kill and destroy – all my hopes of being good enough – i hear him saying cursed are the ones – who can’t abide – He’s right – Alleluia he’s right! – the devil is preaching – the song of the redeemed – that I am cursed and gone astray – I cannot gain salvation – Embracing accusations – could the father of lies – be telling the truth – of God to me tonight? – if the penalty of sin is death – then death is mine – i hear him saying cursed are the ones – who can’t abide – he’s right – alleluia he’s right! – oh the devil’s singing over me – an age old song – that I am cursed and gone astray – singing the first verse so conveniently – he’s forgotten the refrain – Jesus saves!
No one knows the things I have been thinking and no one knows what I have been feeling. I hit rock bottom in a different way last year. Last year was the year my Mama was diagnosed with breast cancer. Last year was my dad’s difficult job situation. Last year was the year my grandma died SHORTLY followed by my Papa. Last year was the year I found out my best friend found out she was moving to Alaska this year. Last year was the year that was supposed to be so perfect, but ended up being hell for me. I was angrier than I ever thought I could be. For the first time I was in denial about being angry with God. It was a difficult year made worse by my own negligence of my faith. I tried to control everything on my own which ended up breaking my heart and getting me to the point where I hurt in my heart everyday – it became a struggle to get up in the morning and be happy. I was floating through life, and God has brought me out enough to realize what I was doing. I was able to praise Him for giving my Mama cancer and praise him with my whole heart, and I pray for him everyday. God please keep watch over him – don’t let him fall under the terrible influences that are around him. Lord you know him and you know what it is he needs. You love him and know what’s right for him…
Though it is a painful struggle, I continue to press on and do what I do I am turning back to you God, and striving to find your purpose for me. I don’t know what you will do with my life, but God I know I need forgiveness in one area of my life for sure – God please let me be happy for Kenzi. Instead of being angry and jealous, God let me love her and care for her and be there for her. yes, it kills my mending heart to see that relationship, but let me be happy for her instead of angry at myself. Also God please give her open eyes and an open heart to accept my apology and forgive me for being such a bitch.
God I’m seeing good things coming out of this, and I continue to ask you to keep carving and scraping away the bad. As painful as it is, I want to go through this process to get to the good. God I’m not going to try to be strong anymore. I know I am weak and I know I can’t do this by myself. Please bring me help. I can’t get over this until you bring me someone who can help me. I need a good Christian leader to come along side me and guide me in my relationship and teach me the things I don’t know.
God my prayer is simply to mold me and make me yours, mend my broken and aching heart. continue to shape it into something glorifying and joyful. I want to find all I need in you.
September 30, 2009
God you sure are teaching, tugging, pulling and molding my heart. God I had a LONG conversation with Reag today, and my stubbornness to be strong came out loud and sinfully proud. God, I know that in my weakness we are made strong. I have the hardest time admitting I need help. I don’t like to appear weak. I like to look like everything is going right, and I like to think that I can take the pain from my friends – as long as they are happy – I don’t need to be – but if I were completely honest – I HATE hurting! It’s not fun, and God I have been in a hurting stage for over a year now. Lord I am running back to you. I went to “After Dark” tonight in Gallagher Iba Arena tonight, and I know that it was you who took me there. John McLaughlin was there and he sang the song “We All Need Saving” and I know he was singing to a lot of hurting people – one of those people was me. God you spoke to me through this song. It was shown to me – my stony stubborn heart was broken – I don’t have to be strong – sometimes we are broken – sometimes we are hurt and we need our Daddy to pick us up and carry us to the finish line – we need our dad to pull us in a raft across the Pacific Ocean of troubles carry us to the bike across the states, and push us across a marathon finish line. My God I know that you are carrying me.
We All Need Saving — John McLaughlin
Come on, come on, you have got to move on – This is not the you I know – this isn’t real, it’s just all you can feel – and that’s the way that feelings go – and whether or not it’s right or wrong – you’ll do what you will do — When the cloud in the sky starts to pour – and your life is just a storm you’re braving – well, don’t tell yourself you can’t lean on someone else – cause we all need saving sometimes — say what you will but the time that we fill – while we’re on the earth – should not be alone, we were meant to be known – you make me what I’m worth – but I can’t keep you from yourself – you’ll do what you will do – I don’t know why it has to be this way – and I don’t know the cure – But please believe someone – has felt this before — We all need saving sometimes, sometimes
I trust that I don’t have to do this – as a matter of fact – I can’t do it alone. I thank you for my times of weakness and pain. God you pull me through all the vallies reminding me that you are carrying me across the beautiful line. I can only reach the goal line when you pick me up off my scabbed knees and tear-filled eyes and carry me home – thank you for picking me up!
God you spoke to me these words…
“Good morning Beautiful! I opened your eyes and gave you that breath. Fear nothing for I am walking with you today! Get up! Let’s go together!”
God these words were given to me a couple days ago, and I took them lightly. Lord especially after today – I truly believe them. I am your beautiful creation! You made no mistakes with me! You bless me with sight everyday (it may be blurry until I put my glasses on, but I can still see) You bless me with constant breath even when I’m unaware I am doing it. Who should I fear when the Big man in charge of everything has my back?!?!?! He is walking with me and taking care of all sides – I know that for sure! I know you are with me. God I finally feel like I’m moving the direction I need to be moving. You have been pulling and pulling, and this time – I’m not going to push in the other direction.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong….2 Corinthians 12:9-10
October 2, 2009
Ok, I have brought back some means of communication – simply because we were created as social beings – sometimes I need to talk to people – especially my precious accountability – though we have been torn apart, we still stay strong!
I have had a lot of joy today. Some of my hope in myself has been restored. I have always been a little lost in what I should do with my future – career wise, and today I am almost positive what I am supposed to be doing. I want to plan weddings and events! I have talked to the precious Kara Kae James, and she gave me a lot of good advice and a lot of encouragement to do it and stick with it. This is a really good thing for me to discover because I am no longer just floating I have purpose to what I am doing in college. I am probably going to stick with my graphic design major and minor in public relations or double major to work with the invitations and design aspects of event planning! I am really excited and I feel some good again which puts my heart at ease a bit!
I’m so thankful to my God for blessing me with certain talents, certain personality, and certain connections through such relationships around me. Things really are going to work out for me, and I am really motivated to continue and persevere and do well to move up. I want to start an internship as soon as possible to get my feet wet in this industry. God is so good to me and all His children! thank you Jesus! (ps this has changed — Im gonna major in psychology)
Jeremiah 29:11…For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Lamentations 3:19-25 & 40-42 & *55-66
October 3, 2009
I’m back at home – my chest and heart are hurting. Who knew it would hurt so bad to drive past the memories…..I sure didn’t.
One of the greatest experiences of my life? Hello! Thank you SO much for happening early in the morning! What a way to start my day! 3 am? of course that’s the time God speaks to me ha! ha! I was trying to go to sleep, and I ended up not being able to because my heart was hurting so badly…I was having trouble breathing because I couldn’t stop thinking about this boy I loved…I texted the one I knew I could trust – and knew would help me. The most precious child I know – miss Reagan James…here is what happened
M:I don’t want to cry anymore, I don’t want to love him anymore
R:I don’t want you to either babe
The conversation continued on….
M:I haven’t had one day that I haven’t thought about him, I miss him so much
It continued on until I gave in and yelled
M:God I need help! I’m not running away from you this time, but I really don’t want to feel this way anymore! It hurts, my heart and chest feel like they are collapsing. I can’t stand up in the morning it hurts to open my eyes. God pick me up and carry me! Hold me and help me because I CAN’T DO THIS BY MYSELF! Help your child! Remember me?! I’m the one completely broken and swollen from a beat down! It’s not fair for me to hurt so badly for so long! I can’t breathe I hurt so bad. Help me!
R:He heard you! and he’s there Exodus 14:14
M:Help your child….please….help your child…I’m scared
R:He’s fighting for you
M:My heart isn’t hurting….I couldn’t breathe like 2 min ago, and now there is a huge release of pressure on my chest…what?!?
R:He’s fighting! That’s him!
M:I feel…joy? The same joy I had a short while at camp. I’m smiling for real…none of that fake stuff.
Exodus 14:14….The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.
well, first I just want to say….Praise God! WOW! I still am in shell shock of what just happened! God I don’t understand you at all, but that makes me want to know more. You healed some of my greatest pain in a matter of minutes tonight. I was hurting so badly, and I was mad – no I was furious that you were allowing such a thing to happen to me, but God now I say this…”Thank you. Thank you for showing me how I need help…and that is ok.” you have molded me and shaped me and showed me things that I had never expected you to show me, but I am joyful. I can smile again just because you allow me to breathe and live! Thank you Lord!
October 3, 2009
God I am feeling good. Not great, but good. Today I spent my time with my Mama, and I got to encourage my sister. I don’t know what it is about giving encouragement to someone else, but it is a high for me! I love to see people smile – though I couldn’t see her face, I know she was feeling better. God I want to thank you for speaking through me to her and putting some peace in her mind.
Lord I was also thinking today how this is going to be the world’s longest blog post when I return to computer life…oh well, if I help at least one person, then it is all well worth it! Anyway, now that I got all that out, I want to just lay some stuff out. God I have no idea what your timing for my life is, I don’t know if I’m going to find a well-paying job. God I don’t know when I’m gonna meet my husband (though I would appreciate that sooner rather than later ha! ha!) I don’t know where you’re going to call me to live, or what you’ll provide for me, but I know you will do just that – I know you will provide! I trust you and love you. I will chase after you daily and grow closer to you throughout each day. If I am comfortable then I’m not doing something right! God you have given me joy and a peace that is in comprehensible, though it is not always easy, I know you fulfill such promises…
Good Morning Beautiful! I opened your eyes and gave you that breath! Fear nothing for I am walking with you today! Get up! Let’s go together!
Thank you Lord for being the consistent unconditionally loving God you are! Hold onto my heart and hold me in my dreams – let them become your reality!
“To get there is a question of will, not of debate nor of reasoning, but a surrender of will, an absolute and irrevocable surrender on that point.”
“He brings us to the place where He asks us to be our utmost for Him, and we begin to debate; then He produces a providential crisis where we have to decide – for or against, and from that point the ‘Great Divide’ begins”
“Surrender your will to Him absolutely and irrevocably”
Phil 1:20…”My eager desire and hope being that I may never feel ashamed, but that now as ever I may do honour to Christ in my own person be fearless courage.”
October 14, 2009
Ok, so I haven’t journaled in many days. I have been doing a lot of listening lately. God has been using me lately, and it has been an experience – to say the least…over the past days, I went with my family to Texas, I went to Tonkawa to be with a friend who needed someone, and I have been praying A LOT.
These prayers have been so different though. I have only been praying for those around me. The people I love, people in my classes, and even the random strangers I see walking to class or driving on the streets. It has definitely been random moments from God telling me to pray – telling me to send a text to someone – or even justa say a quick prayer for this person and tell them you love them.
It has been an adventure to show me that God uses me to help others – I am not the center of the universe. We ALL Need Saving Sometimes
Holy God – I’m not going to try to pretend I know what’s happening in my head right now. “Follow your hear and you won’t get lost” this is the song that is playing right now, but all I can think is how deceptive the heart truly is. You keep placing this person on my heart but i don’t know why. I feel like I should talk to them, but I don’t know what I would say or what I should do. God i don’t know why you have put them on my heart. I honestly don’t understand what you are calling from me or what you want me to hear…I don’t know how to comprehend it. I don’t know where I’m supposed to go. I have been listening and I’m trying to start over and change from my mistakes. I’m trying to learn I’m trying to listen and just love you Lord, but I don’t know how to do it. I am stuck at a loss and I don’t know what to say….therefore….
I’m just going to listen…
I’m going to be still and wait for you God.
All in all it was a WONDERFUL month! And the best news of all…..MY MAMA IS OFFICIALLY CANCER FREE, AND MY GOD IS GOOD!