I’m Back….

So, I feel like it has been an eternity since I have entered into my blogging world, and if I were to be completely honest, I MISS IT! I don’t really have anything to say in this post, but if you know me, you know that I could write out my thoughts forever and do just fine. Most of you probably don’t want to keep reading this after I say that, but all of you know that you can’t just stop πŸ˜‰ I’m WAY too entertaining! ha! ha!

Anyways, so my life has been oober busy lately. I have had 6 tests in the past two weeks, and I have another one tomorrow…OH! I Β JUST THOUGHT ABOUT SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT!

Ok, so I am oober oober excited because this weekend I get to be a leader at BIG WEEKEND! Yes, I know! It’s a wonderful blessing in my life! I absolutely cannot wait! It has been waaaaaaay too long since I last led at a church event, and I have missed it bunchies! I have been blessed to work with the sweet Esther Kim, and Pam Yates with the Sophomore Girls! It is such a blessing to have this opportunity! I have been praying for the opportunity to get involved again, and now God has blessed me and challenged me in a HUGE way! We have some big plans for Big Weekend (ha! ha! totally did not plan that) I’m excited because not only is God gonna work in amazing ways this weekend, but we are modge-podging picture frames, making headbands, and yes…..WE ARE HAVING COUNTRY LINE DANCING NIGHT! I have been praying for this weekend for a couple weekends now, and I just know that God is going to show up in some POWERFUL ways! He is definitely freaking AWESOME, and I know that he absolutely cannot wait to grab hold of some hearts and do some powerful things in some kids lives, and hopefully some adults too! I’m excited to see what his plan is for these kids, and me. I know that he places people in our lives for a reason, and he places us in people’s lives for a reason, and I am absolutely beyond excited to be used and see people used…it’s just exciting to think about how cool my God is. He has perfect timing and perfect results! He makes us stronger and works through us by molding us and working us until we are what we need to be for Him!

LarLar20–Yes, this is my little random tangent about my sweet little Lar Lar — yes, I did give her that nick name myself (all of you are jealous!) Anyway, she asked me to write a little something to her, so I am going to do just that! For those of you that don’t know this girl, I feel sorry for you! My top ten favorite things about this beautiful girl:

1) She can make me laugh no matter the circumstance

2) She is always willing to come to me when I need her/let me come to her when I need to get away from things

3) We think almost the exact same thing about EVERYTHING

4) Even when her life is hard, she keeps on laughing and bringing other people joy (she has that tendency)

5) When I need to have a pigout night, she is willing to go to 20 Something with me and just sit with me all night

6) She has a heart of gold that makes my heart smile big and bright

7) She bakes cake with me when I get the urge/cooks a healthy picnic in my room

8) She makes the little kiddy jokes with me and growls at me with her little pinchers

9) She is always encouraging with her little “I love you boo” (that’s enough to keep me going)

10) She’s a cuddler! I know who to run to when my heart is hurting

LarLar, I love you very much! I thank you for reading my blog (even when it’s not a special shoutout to you) Keep those peeenchers alive and kicking! Always remember that I will dye your hair any color, anytime, anywhere! We need to paint our toenails, and I really need to get some sleep otherwise I’m gonna be a grouch this weekend! I love you once more…at least today (ha! ha! you know it’s everyday!) And now I say goodnight because you are asleep right next to me. What else is new??? Love!

And to everyone else…if you read that ha! ha! thanks! You’re awesome….it ended up with a little bit of importance πŸ˜‰ I’ll be back I’m sure after Big Weekend to tell the world about my experience with the sweet sophomore babies….if you’re lucky I’ll put up some pics! Goodnight Moon!

What I did with my life when it’s not in Stilly

It has been quite a long time since I have graced the blogging world with my presence, but I have decided to return tonight because I’m bored out of my mind, and I feel like talking and this has also been one giant run-on sentence, so I’m gonna put a period to make the madness of it all stop.

So I’m almost positive that everyone in the world is curious how college was my first semester…let me just tell you, think of a really fun and glorious time you have had in your life, and multiply that joy by 50…that doesn’t even cover it. Ha! Ha! Anyway, I ended up coming out with a 3.0 when a 2.0 was looking pretty grim, so I was oober excited about that. I met a lot of people, and dropped one class…not too shabby. There were some struggling instances, but my sweet roommate, and some wonderful friends I have met help me get through them, and it ended up being a wonderful time. I’m looking forward to this semester though, I really can’t lie to ya, for the first time in my life I actually WANT to go to school πŸ˜‰

Aaaanywaaaays…after a great semester at OSU, I got a glorious month off of school to come home and do almost absolutely nothing. It was nice to have a break, but to tell you the truth I am sick of it. I want to be doing something–I want to go back to school. Here are some of my highlights from this month I have had off…

My best friend came home from Alaska, and we did almost everything you can imagine…we went to church together, we revisited our high school, we watched A TON of movies (Brothers, Sherlock Holms, Love and Basketball, House, I don’t remember the rest), we played board games including Cranium, taboo, and bananagrams, drank a ton of Sonic drinks, and even talked to a drag queen and its two drunk gay friends….it was a month of entertainment with her…(it always is)

Also, I hung out with the rents, me and brother spent some quality time together, and his friend Kaitlyn came in from Tulsa to see how we do things right here in the city Ha! Ha! I went to some of my babies basketball games, we had a few Class of 2009 reunion partaays, I went to Chickasha to see Christmas lights with my cousins and friends, I got to see three new baby additions to the family on Christmas and the day after (pair of twins-Kori and Trey, and sweet Madelyn) all of which are COMPLETELY adorable, I watch a lot of Christmas movies, and drank lots of hot chocolate, I baked a lot of cakes and cookies, ate a lot of BBQ ribs (delish), and I drove around A LOT.

All in all, it was a good break! I got to see all my old friends…ps, I find it funny that I’m old enough now to have “old friends”, Some things I have realized since graduation…I hate the mall–it’s ridiculous how many people all cram into one place to fight for some stupid material item that will be thrown away in a month or two…it just annoys me. I am getting old enough now that it hurts to stand for long, and I can’t sit still because my back hurts from old sports injuries…along with my knees. I think the most important thing to me though is the fact that I have matured into a better person. I have been in a few tussles over the break, but I was able to keep a cool head, I no longer yell, and I no longer hold things that don’t need to be held. It’s just cool to look at the person I used to be and say “I’m better than ‘that girl'”. It’s been a good 2010 so far…I’m just hoping that it stays that way. Even if 2010 isn’t the best year, there is no way in hell that it could be worse than 2009……those of you that know my life know that 2008-2009 sucked for me and my family…I have faith that it can only go up from here! Thank you Jesus for that! Romans 8:28!

We All Need Saving Sometimes

Ya know, I was sitting in my dorm room this evening, studying for my finals, and I took a little music break and put my ipod on shuffle…interestingly enough, “we all need saving” by John McLaughlin came on and it got my mind a rollin’

I am happy as a clam knowing that Christmas is coming, and I am done with school on Wednesday! I really could not be a happier camper…..especially since my best friend is coming home as well. This song got me thinking though that even though I am a happy camper, there are tons of people in the world that are not as happy as me, or not happy at all.

This weekend I watched my baby girls play basketball, and found out that one of them is bullied on a daily basis, and two of them were upset about a bad game, and other things were going on that just had them heart broken. Now I was just there last year, so I definitely have not forgotten how hard it is to be in high school and have teachers/parents riding you about grades, coaches riding you about playing well (or in my case I was riding myself), and then on top of it all you don’t fit in with your class??? Come on! I have never understood bullying, and I never will. I was also watching One Tree Hill Season 3 — which if you don’t know that show, this season contains a school shooting.

Now if any of you know me, when I watch a movie or TV show, I put myself in the show, I was locked in my room bawling at the fact that this poor child was forgotten at his school, and he lost all his friends, then he was bullied. He said the best day of his high school Senior year was the day that he was forgotten. The best day of his high school career was the day that not one person said anything to him — of course that is majorly depressing so he tried to kill himself. Not one person noticed he had been gone when he was recovering from that incident. Eventually he got tired of all the crap and came to school with a gun.

I think people need to step back and realize that people get hurt very easily by all this stuff. You may not even be doin it intentionally, but this week instead of laughing when someone falls, lend your hand and help them up. When someone is hanging their head, give em a hug or simply say hello. You would be AMAZED at how much a sweet voice helps on a bad day. You affect people every single day, even when you don’t know you are. A smile, a hello, ignoring, hitting, verbal abuse, all of these things affect people in a very significant way. So be careful and for once notice the one that never gets noticed because if you aren’t the one now, you may be tomorrow….cause sooner or later….

“WE ALL NEED SAVING SOMETIMES”


Thanksgiving and Christmas

My favorite holiday in the entire world is Christmas–not because of the presents, but because of the wonderful music, the colorful lights, the glorious candy, the colors, the smells, the weather, the fact that it represents Jesus’ birthday among other things, (and a whole month off school ha! ha!)

Now you may read that little paragraph and think — “oh she likes Christmas, so cute!”, but let me just lay this out for you. I absolutely LOOOOOVVVVE Christmas! Every single part of it! I love candlelight services at church, I love green wreaths with red bows, I love jingle bells, I love snowflakes, I love stockings, I love evergreen trees with ornaments, I love Christmas wrapping paper, I love snowmen with top hats and scarves, I love Christmas sugar cookies, I love gingerbread houses, I love love love nativity scenes, I love Christmas movies (A Wish for Wings that Work, White Christmas, Elf, The Grinch, The Christmas Classics, A Christmas Story, and all those cheesy ones on Fa La La La Lifetime), I also love the ABCFamily’s 25 Days of Christmas, I love candy canes, I love listening to Christmas music 24/7, I love walking through the snow with a snow hat and scarf with boots, I love Christmas Caroling, and anything else that has to do with Christmas.

I was voted “most likely to celebrate Christmas all year around” my senior year of high school, and I totally plan to live up to that title! There is seriously nothing wrong with it. Nothing offsets my Christmas spirit, it really is “THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!”

On the other side of my Christmas cheer, a lot of people are angered by my spirit because I “skip over Thanksgiving”. The way I see things, I don’t skip over it. Where is it that you can’t celebrate Christmas everyday? Why can’t I celebrate both holidays. They are close together, and both have the BEST food, so why not mix them together??? My dorm room currently has a 3 foot tree with corn on it, and turkeys on the walls, with our stockings, santas, pilgrims, indians, angels, and snowflakes all living life together in harmony! I love Christmas, but I am “Thankful” for things every single day. I celebrate thanksgiving and Christmas every single day of my life. I wake up daily grateful for every breath my God has given me. My Christmas spirit gives me joy and peace. Why does it have to be celebrated on only one day? What is so wrong about being extra Christmassy Cheerful 365 days a year? I personally say nothing, and I will continue to celebrate it whenever I want. I find joy in Thanksgiving and Christmas and I will celebrate them all the time πŸ™‚

Hmmmm….

Ya know sometimes there are things that come to your mind, and if you were to be completely honest with yourself you would scream “I’M CONFUSED!!!!!!” I don’t understand where these things come from, or why they do, but I do know that God says “Don’t worry.” Even though my tiny little human mind has NO idea where thoughts come from, why they come, or when they will leave, I do know with my whole heart that my God is in control, and He knows exactly how things play out. I am not supposed to understand why everything happens, or how it will end up. In all honesty — I hate that I don’t know everything, but I am ok with my God knowing everything. He is in control, and He knows when each situation will come up, how it will turn out and the timing of all the above. I trust my God completely, and even though I don’t know what is happening or when it will feel secure again, I am secure in that fact that my God is holding my future, holding my spirit, and holding my heart. I KNOW everything will be as it was designed to be because God doesn’t make any mistakes. I am trusting Him, leaning on Him, being still, and KNOWING He is King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Abba Father, Prince of Peace, and Mighty Holy Justice God! He is I AM, and I am trusting that!

Sometimes stress overcomes….and then you do!

So it has been no secret that I was having a BAD week. Man oh man stress was overtaking my life. I am struggling in two of my classes, and I have come to the conflict of “drop that class, or suck it up?” hmmm…..now if I were to be completely honest I still don’t know, and I have to know by tomorrow. Dang deadlines! Anyway, to figure out this dilemma I have been in meetings with advisors, professors, and financial aid all week. (In one day I had 4 meetings all before 10:30) Now don’t get me wrong all were necessary, but none of them really helped me much. Looks like it’s all a part of adulthood to make your own decisions….boo! I’m praying about it and looking for the answer of relief….I’ll let you know. Anyway, not only was I dealing with this little situation to keep my scholarship, but I also had to write a paper, build a lamp, study for a test, and finish a still-life drawing all before today — which is Thursday. All of this put together created my biggest stress week ever!

Now, if you know me at all, you know that I do not get stressed very easy, so it was a BIG deal that I was very very upset because of stress. Walking to certain classes I just wanted to lay in the grass and feels God’s peace through the sun and never move from that spot — but I had NO time to sit and enjoy 😦 It made me sad, but I am glad to say….I’M DONE! I got my drawing done, I finished my lamp, I did well on my psych test, and finished my paper — and many weights were lifted πŸ™‚ Most of all, I have the greatest friends EVER. They know my true heart — Dr. Pepper and Ice Cream πŸ™‚ Precious Abbey brought me a large Sonic Drink with Love, and my sweet Lauren surprised me with a Dr. Pepper before my test, and a GREAT trip to Orange Tree on her! I love these girls! They make me feel so much better when I am down.

On a precious side note, this note from my lil sis’s mom made my day!

Meg, you’re the girl!!! So go put your happy face on and know that God has given you the tools to get thru this! And if for some reason you have another set back, know that in God’s overall plan for your life, this is as small as a pimple on an ant’s butt. Shake it off and Go get em girl…. πŸ™‚

I love her! Thank you to everyone who sent me encouraging notes and being there for me when I needed it! It really did help me out a lot!

OH! Ps, I have been on the phone with my mom for almost an hour, and we have all decided it would be in my best interest to drop this class! Decision made, and another weight lifted! Praise Jesus for being so good! Though we struggle, God fights for us! Oh Lord I’m Strong in you….and I will OVERCOME! (I did πŸ™‚ no stress) YAY!!!!!!!!!

Just Want to get some things out there….

Numero Uno….. College is definitely not as easy as I wish it would be. I don’t know why, but this week has decided to be the longest most busy week since I have been here, and it’s not even “DEAD WEEK” Oh boy……..

Numero Dos….. I am so grateful that I am not tempted to fall into some bad decisions such as drinking and smoking. Don’t get me wrong, I am not coming down on people that do that — It’s your life so do what you want with it. But I am just so grateful that I am not falling all over myself, throwing up everywhere, or smell like an ashtray at all times while slowly killing myself….

Number Three….. The friends that are so very close to me, I am more thankful for than anything. They get me, they understand when I need help, and they listen to me. Slight shoutout to precious Lauren Hood! I LOVE that we have found one another and we will be living together next year! Thank you for always being there — even though you ditched me in art history ha ha.

Letter Four….. I love my brother! He is a great listener, and he is willing to spend time with me even though I am a tiny little freshman that doesn’t know anything Ha! ha! He is the greatest big brother anyone could ever ask for!

Five….. I need a sonic drink — therefore I am done writing this post because I have to go get one RIGHT NOW! Sorry Reag….I am bragging that we have sonic and you don’t ha! ha! Still love you with my life though πŸ™‚

 

My “Shut-Off” Experience:

I am currently back on the computer, and loving it! I feel like I am involved in people’s lives again! Anyway, my “shut off” experience was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! Every second of it was worth it! God did many many things in my life that I NEVER expected. Though it was very hard, it was TOTALLY worth it! I went through a lot of pain, a lot of realization, and A LOT of healing. And to make it all worth while, the “grand finale” was — MY MAMA IS CANCER FREE! Our God is good and this is my experience:

WARNING: these are my journal entries from the entire month–all together they are confusing, long, frustrating, raw and honest. But God will use my experience to help others! God is good and He NEVER says “oops”.

September 19, 2009

It is the night before I shut myself off, and to be completely honest, I am quite excited about it. I just said goodbye to everyone in my phone which made me kind of really sad, but I know this will be a really good experience. I am so excited to be stuck on my Jesus again. Every time I think about wanting to get on facebook, or wanting to tweet about something, I’m going to dig into the word, journal, and just spend time with my Savior…sometimes we have to go to the extreme to get thins right, and I love challenges. This is definitely a big one! I am drawing back to my Savior and talking to Him more than I ever have. Everyone will be right there waiting for me when I have returned. This won’t kill anyone, and honestly I can’t get this straight without going to this extreme. I now with all my heart and soul that I love my God with everything, but I am not being active with my love for Him. We are supposed to continuously grow with Him, and that is exactly what I intend to do in these days to come! It will definitely be a difficult and challenging blessing in my life. Phil 4:13–I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! I know I’m doing the right thing. I love my God and we must die to ourselves so we can live for Him! I will do whatever it takes to please my Father and chase after my God! He is mighty and powerful and I know He has called me to do this. I know it! Oh Boy…….Here we go…….

September 20, 2009

Ok so my first day away from the world…

Not extremely hard to do…I didn’t text anyone, but my dad kept telling me to call him, so I had to turn my phone on to return his calls. That was my only let down to keeping my phone off. Facebook and twitter really is not that hard to stay away from, but I feel like I’m gonna have 1000s of pictures to look at when I return. Now the thing that I need to do is make my prayer list, and I need to do better about praying when I think about texting or facebook. After all, it is Christ who gives me the strength to do this right?

Right!

I have been thinking about a lot of people today 😦 It makes me sad to not text them right away, but when they pop in my head, I say a quick prayer and make a note to call them by the end of the month. I truly believe God brings names to our minds for a reason, and I definitely don’t take it lightly. God has already been doing work the first day…

I went to Life Church today, and Craig was talking about drifting from God, and it really touched my heart because that is the WHOLE reason why I’m doing this. I drifted from God big time last year, and this is the first time I have taken a strong action to move back into his arms! He told a story about a husband and wife that sat next to one another in the car all the time until 20 years later they sat across from one another – all the husband said was “I haven’t moved” which is the same because God hasn’t moved. I was the one that drifted.

We sang “Everlasting” which really touched my heart because today I was following my purpose – the art of losing myself in bringing you praise – I am dying to this world to bring Him praise! I’m excited about it! I have made a statement!

Verses to Remember:

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you…Psalm 63:1

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the father is not in him…1 John 2:15

…You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first…Revelation 2:4-5

RETURNING 2 MY 1ST LOVE

September 22, 2009

Today was more of a struggle than the other days. I went home to Edmond, and the only thing I could think about was the fact that I wanted to text everyone and tell them to come see me, but I didn’t. I was able to sit and watch the volleyball games without texting anyone. Man oh man it’s going to be a long month ha! ha!

As for some spiritual aspects of my journey, God has laid something very serious on my heart. There are two guys here at school that don’t do “that church thing”, and I really feel called to invite them and now that’s what I’m going to continue to do. As for now nothing huge has happened, but I have mentioned to both of them why I have made certain commitments…one was very interested in the things I was saying about Christ wiping my slate clean by dying for me. A seed was planted, and now I have to put forth some action. I’m slightly nervous, but I know it has to be done. God has called me to do this, and i trust he will give me good timing and strength to keep pushing. I’m excitedly nervous πŸ™‚ I’ll be sure to keep writing about outcomes.

God, I sit here in my bed, and you have laid Connor’s friend Ross on my heart. He recently was injured, and you know how he is doing even though I don’t. God place your healing hand on him – bring him peace and quick recovery. Also God please take care of my bub Connor. Please give him the strength and courage to continue with his Bible Study that you called him to do. God please keep him on the right path and continue to grow with him. Let him have all the happiness he can. Bring him joy and peace in every situation. Let him see your face and chase after you harder and stronger than he ever has before!

September 23, 2009

The greatest reminders are through nature. I totally forgot that God uses the smallest things in everyday life to remind me of His glory, his power, his beauty πŸ™‚ My God showed me yesterday. All of these things through the most spectacular clouds I have ever seen! We were driving back to Edmond for a volleyball game, and the sun was illuminating the clouds in such a glorious way! I couldn’t help but take a picture and thank God for giving me such a site to see. Not only did God show me that while driving, but for once I wasn’t texting on my way to class, so I was able to look around and see the world. I listened to our band for a minute and praised God for the gift of hearing. I stopped and felt our fountain in front of the library and loved the gift of feeling. The weather is getting cooler which means the leaves will be changing soon. I praise God for the changing seasons and the sun that keeps us alive. It makes me so happy to walk to class and just feel God walking with me.

My daddy also sent me a really good short devo thing. It was about not talking negatively about yourself. Saying insulting yourself is saying that God made a mistake when He created you. It was a good reminder that I was made perfectly fine the way I am in Christ. It was a self esteem booster!

As fro the cutoff, it’s still going really well, it is so nice to actually talk to people over the phone – it is SO much more personable and it’s just really nice. Another thing I have fallen in love with is email! It’s so fun and I am definitely keeping that art alive! πŸ™‚ This has been a really good thing for me, and it’s nice to get back into things. School is going well and everything and I am glad to say I am dying my hair tomorrow with my good pal Lauren πŸ™‚ I’ll be sure to put some pics up! I’m excited! Goodnight to all! All college kids need the rest ha! ha! Haven’t been doing that well! Peace Love and Pizza! Β (ok, so a note not in my journal — that was one of the dorkiest things I have ever said ha! ha! Don’t journal at 3 in the morning ha! ha!)

September 26, 2009

Ok so one thing I REALLY can’t stand about this cutoff is the fact that I am forced to grow and realize things that I have been denying for 10 LONG months. I tried to be ok, and I tried to move on, but I just couldn’t do it. Being in love with someone that doesn’t love you back is one of the most painful things anyone could ever go through. I just didn’t want to admit to being that girl. Well, I am. I am coming to the realization that my phone and ALL lines of communication need to be cutoff until I can desire my God and only my God. I hate to do this. but I am only going to be communicating with my parents, Lauren and Cheyenne. I just have to let go of my past and spend time with my Father. Just thinking about doing this breaks my heart, but those that truly care for me, know my heart, and they know I have to do this. The boy I love has become my drug, and I hate that I let that happen. I need to run to my God and rest in His arms. I need to trust that there is a man of God out there waiting for me. I just need to let loose and chase after God. As he is doing the same, one day our paths will cross while on God’s. I trust that – well I’m getting there. My heart is broken and hurting. The only one who can fix it has never moved, and He is waiting for me to run strong, back into His arms. God I fall on my face and cry out to you! I can’t do this without you! I need help. I am at my weakest point. Please God pick me up and take me with you.

Romans 8:18-30…For I consider that the sufferings of this present time aren’t worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, te redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now who hopes for what he sees? But if we hoe for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

Romans 8:6…For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace

GOOD MORNING BEAUTIFUL I GAVE YOU THAT BREATH AND OPENED YOUR EYES. FEAR NOTHING FOR I AM WALKING WITH YOU TODAY. GET UP. LET’S GO TOGETHER!

September 30, 2009

My God, my God boy have you been carving at my heart. Out with the old, and in with the new. God I know that you have forgiven me and you only see your son’s blood over me. Yo have given me a clean slate, but you know me – I’m way too hard on myself. I can’t seem to let go of my mistakes and forgive myself. I need your help. God I need some good helpful guidance and leadership in m life! There is temptation and pain around every corner I turn. God help me forgive myself. Help me to face all of my problems head on – I don’t want to run from them – but also – once I face them – help me move on and forget them. Well, not forget, but just not feel so dad gum guilty anymore. Lord you spoke to me tonight at Overflow through “Embracing Accusations” – God I simply want to do that. I want to embrace the fact that Satan is bringing all this to my mind. God help me battle against him and live in your peace. God I know in my heart that you have forgiven it all, and i know I am renewed through Jesus Christ who died for me, just help me get and accept it for myself. God just as the song says – Satan sings the part to all of us – you are sinners, and sin is death – but he forgets the refrain that says Jesus saves – God, I don’t feel strong. There are many times in my life when it was easy to get up and breathe easy, but this is not one of those times. I am hurting, and that is the first step for me. If I were to be completely honest with myself, I have been hurting for a long time.

Embracing Accusations:

The father of lies – coming to steal – kill and destroy – all my hopes of being good enough – i hear him saying cursed are the ones – who can’t abide – He’s right – Alleluia he’s right! – the devil is preaching – the song of the redeemed – that I am cursed and gone astray – I cannot gain salvation – Embracing accusations – could the father of lies – be telling the truth – of God to me tonight? – if the penalty of sin is death – then death is mine – i hear him saying cursed are the ones – who can’t abide – he’s right – alleluia he’s right! – oh the devil’s singing over me – an age old song – that I am cursed and gone astray – singing the first verse so conveniently – he’s forgotten the refrain – Jesus saves!

No one knows the things I have been thinking and no one knows what I have been feeling. I hit rock bottom in a different way last year. Last year was the year my Mama was diagnosed with breast cancer. Last year was my dad’s difficult job situation. Last year was the year my grandma died SHORTLY followed by my Papa. Last year was the year I found out my best friend found out she was moving to Alaska this year. Last year was the year that was supposed to be so perfect, but ended up being hell for me. I was angrier than I ever thought I could be. For the first time I was in denial about being angry with God. It was a difficult year made worse by my own negligence Β of my faith. I tried to control everything on my own which ended up breaking my heart and getting me to the point where I hurt in my heart everyday – it became a struggle to get up in the morning and be happy. I was floating through life, and God has brought me out enough to realize what I was doing. I was able to praise Him for giving my Mama cancer and praise him with my whole heart, and I pray for him everyday. God please keep watch over him – don’t let him fall under the terrible influences that are around him. Lord you know him and you know what it is he needs. You love him and know what’s right for him…

Though it is a painful struggle, I continue to press on and do what I do I am turning back to you God, and striving to find your purpose for me. I don’t know what you will do with my life, but God I know I need forgiveness in one area of my life for sure – God please let me be happy for Kenzi. Instead of being angry and jealous, God let me love her and care for her and be there for her. yes, it kills my mending heart to see that relationship, but let me be happy for her instead of angry at myself. Also God please give her open eyes and an open heart to accept my apology and forgive me for being such a bitch.

God I’m seeing good things coming out of this, and I continue to ask you to keep carving and scraping away the bad. As painful as it is, I want to go through this process to get to the good. God I’m not going to try to be strong anymore. I know I am weak and I know I can’t do this by myself. Please bring me help. I can’t get over this until you bring me someone who can help me. I need a good Christian leader to come along side me and guide me in my relationship and teach me the things I don’t know.

God my prayer is simply to mold me and make me yours, mend my broken and aching heart. continue to shape it into something glorifying and joyful. I want to find all I need in you.

September 30, 2009

God you sure are teaching, tugging, pulling and molding my heart. God I had a LONG conversation with Reag today, and my stubbornness to be strong came out loud and sinfully proud. God, I know that in my weakness we are made strong. I have the hardest time admitting I need help. I don’t like to appear weak. I like to look like everything is going right, and I like to think that I can take the pain from my friends – as long as they are happy – I don’t need to be – but if I were completely honest – I HATE Β hurting! It’s not fun, and God I have been in a hurting stage for over a year now. Lord I am running back to you. I went to “After Dark” tonight in Gallagher Iba Arena tonight, and I know that it was you who took me there. John McLaughlin was there and he sang the song “We All Need Saving” and I know he was singing to a lot of hurting people – one of those people was me. God you spoke to me through this song. It was shown to me – my stony stubborn heart was broken – I don’t have to be strong – sometimes we are broken – sometimes we are hurt and we need our Daddy to pick us up and carry us to the finish line – we need our dad to pull us in a raft across the Pacific Ocean of troubles carry us to the bike across the states, and push us across a marathon finish line. My God I know that you are carrying me.

We All Need Saving — John McLaughlin

Come on, come on, you have got to move on – This is not the you I know – this isn’t real, it’s just all you can feel – and that’s the way that feelings go – and whether or not it’s right or wrong – you’ll do what you will do — When the cloud in the sky starts to pour – and your life is just a storm you’re braving – well, don’t tell yourself you can’t lean on someone else – cause we all need saving sometimes — say what you will but the time that we fill – while we’re on the earth – should not be alone, we were meant to be known – you make me what I’m worth – but I can’t keep you from yourself – you’ll do what you will do – I don’t know why it has to be this way – and I don’t know the cure – But please believe someone – has felt this before — We all need saving sometimes, sometimes

I trust that I don’t have to do this – as a matter of fact – I can’t do it alone. I thank you for my times of weakness and pain. God you pull me through all the vallies reminding me that you are carrying me across the beautiful line. I can only reach the goal line when you pick me up off my scabbed knees and tear-filled eyes and carry me home – thank you for picking me up!

God you spoke to me these words…

“Good morning Beautiful! I opened your eyes and gave you that breath. Fear nothing for I am walking with you today! Get up! Let’s go together!”

-<3-

God these words were given to me a couple days ago, and I took them lightly. Lord especially after today – I truly believe them. I am your beautiful creation! You made no mistakes with me! You bless me with sight everyday (it may be blurry until I put my glasses on, but I can still see) You bless me with constant breath even when I’m unaware I am doing it. Who should I fear when the Big man in charge of everything has my back?!?!?! He is walking with me and taking care of all sides – I know that for sure! I know you are with me. God I finally feel like I’m moving the direction I need to be moving. You have been pulling and pulling, and this time – I’m not going to push in the other direction.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong….2 Corinthians 12:9-10

October 2, 2009

Ok, I have brought back some means of communication – simply because we were created as social beings – sometimes I need to talk to people – especially my precious accountability – though we have been torn apart, we still stay strong!

I have had a lot of joy today. Some of my hope in myself has been restored. I have always been a little lost in what I should do with my future – career wise, and today I am almost positive what I am supposed to be doing. I want to plan weddings and events! I have talked to the precious Kara Kae James, and she gave me a lot of good advice and a lot of encouragement to do it and stick with it. This is a really good thing for me to discover because I am no longer just floating I have purpose to what I am doing in college. I am probably going to stick with my graphic design major and minor in public relations or double major to work with the invitations and design aspects of event planning! I am really excited and I feel some good again which puts my heart at ease a bit!

I’m so thankful to my God for blessing me with certain talents, certain personality, and certain connections through such relationships around me. Things really are going to work out for me, and I am really motivated to continue and persevere and do well to move up. I want to start an internship as soon as possible to get my feet wet in this industry. God is so good to me and all His children! thank you Jesus! (ps this has changed — Im gonna major in psychology)

Jeremiah 29:11…For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Lamentations 3:19-25 & 40-42 & *55-66

October 3, 2009

I’m back at home – my chest and heart are hurting. Who knew it would hurt so bad to drive past the memories…..I sure didn’t.

One of the greatest experiences of my life? Hello! Thank you SO much for happening early in the morning! What a way to start my day! 3 am? of course that’s the time God speaks to me ha! ha! I was trying to go to sleep, and I ended up not being able to because my heart was hurting so badly…I was having trouble breathing because I couldn’t stop thinking about this boy I loved…I texted the one I knew I could trust – and knew would help me. The most precious child I know – miss Reagan James…here is what happened

M:I don’t want to cry anymore, I don’t want to love him anymore

R:I don’t want you to either babe

The conversation continued on….

M:I haven’t had one day that I haven’t thought about him, I miss him so much

R:I know

It continued on until I gave in and yelled

M:God I need help! I’m not running away from you this time, but I really don’t want to feel this way anymore! It hurts, my heart and chest feel like they are collapsing. I can’t stand up in the morning it hurts to open my eyes. God pick me up and carry me! Hold me and help me because I CAN’T DO THIS BY MYSELF! Help your child! Remember me?! I’m the one completely broken and swollen from a beat down! It’s not fair for me to hurt so badly for so long! I can’t breathe I hurt so bad. Help me!

R:He heard you! and he’s there Exodus 14:14

M:Help your child….please….help your child…I’m scared

R:He’s fighting for you

M:My heart isn’t hurting….I couldn’t breathe like 2 min ago, and now there is a huge release of pressure on my chest…what?!?

R:He’s fighting! That’s him!

M:I feel…joy? The same joy I had a short while at camp. I’m smiling for real…none of that fake stuff.

Exodus 14:14….The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.

well, first I just want to say….Praise God! WOW! I still am in shell shock of what just happened! God I don’t understand you at all, but that makes me want to know more. You healed some of my greatest pain in a matter of minutes tonight. I was hurting so badly, and I was mad – no I was furious that you were allowing such a thing to happen to me, but God now I say this…”Thank you. Thank you for showing me how I need help…and that is ok.” you have molded me and shaped me and showed me things that I had never expected you to show me, but I am joyful. I can smile again just because you allow me to breathe and live! Thank you Lord!

October 3, 2009

God I am feeling good. Not great, but good. Today I spent my time with my Mama, and I got to encourage my sister. I don’t know what it is about giving encouragement to someone else, but it is a high for me! I love to see people smile – though I couldn’t see her face, I know she was feeling better. God I want to thank you for speaking through me to her and putting some peace in her mind.

Lord I was also thinking today how this is going to be the world’s longest blog post when I return to computer life…oh well, if I help at least one person, then it is all well worth it! Anyway, now that I got all that out, I want to just lay some stuff out. God I have no idea what your timing for my life is, I don’t know if I’m going to find a well-paying job. God I don’t know when I’m gonna meet my husband (though I would appreciate that sooner rather than later ha! ha!) I don’t know where you’re going to call me to live, or what you’ll provide for me, but I know you will do just that – I know you will provide! I trust you and love you. I will chase after you daily and grow closer to you throughout each day. If I am comfortable then I’m not doing something right! God you have given me joy and a peace that is in comprehensible, though it is not always easy, I know you fulfill such promises…

Good Morning Beautiful! I opened your eyes and gave you that breath! Fear nothing for I am walking with you today! Get up! Let’s go together!

Thank you Lord for being the consistent unconditionally loving God you are! Hold onto my heart and hold me in my dreams – let them become your reality!

“To get there is a question of will, not of debate nor of reasoning, but a surrender of will, an absolute and irrevocable surrender on that point.”

“He brings us to the place where He asks us to be our utmost for Him, and we begin to debate; then He produces a providential crisis where we have to decide – for or against, and from that point the ‘Great Divide’ begins”

“Surrender your will to Him absolutely and irrevocably”

Phil 1:20…”My eager desire and hope being that I may never feel ashamed, but that now as ever I may do honour to Christ in my own person be fearless courage.”

October 14, 2009

Ok, so I haven’t journaled in many days. I have been doing a lot of listening lately. God has been using me lately, and it has been an experience – to say the least…over the past days, I went with my family to Texas, I went to Tonkawa to be with a friend who needed someone, and I have been praying A LOT.

These prayers have been so different though. I have only been praying for those around me. The people I love, people in my classes, and even the random strangers I see walking to class or driving on the streets. It has definitely been random moments from God telling me to pray – telling me to send a text to someone – or even justa say a quick prayer for this person and tell them you love them.

It has been an adventure to show me that God uses me to help others – I am not the center of the universe. We ALL Need Saving Sometimes

October 19,2009

Holy God – I’m not going to try to pretend I know what’s happening in my head right now. “Follow your hear and you won’t get lost” this is the song that is playing right now, but all I can think is how deceptive the heart truly is. You keep placing this person on my heart but i don’t know why. I feel like I should talk to them, but I don’t know what I would say or what I should do. God i don’t know why you have put them on my heart. I honestly don’t understand what you are calling from me or what you want me to hear…I don’t know how to comprehend it. I don’t know where I’m supposed to go. I have been listening and I’m trying to start over and change from my mistakes. I’m trying to learn I’m trying to listen and just love you Lord, but I don’t know how to do it. I am stuck at a loss and I don’t know what to say….therefore….

I’m just going to listen…

I’m going to be still and wait for you God.

All in all it was a WONDERFUL month! And the best news of all…..MY MAMA IS OFFICIALLY CANCER FREE, AND MY GOD IS GOOD!

Officially saying goodbye for now…

Ok, so after a lot of thought, a lot of prayer, and a lot of talking….my decision has been made. I am cutting myself off from the world for awhile. I have come to realize that all of my priorities are WAY screwed up. I have trouble doing the important things like quiet times and school work because I am so consumed with thinking about facebook, thinking about the people I left behind. I hate that I haven’t opened my Bible in awhile, and I refuse to let that continue!Β 

I am taking this break because God has shown me that I have been on facebook more than anything, all I do is text people I miss (not terrible, but I do it WAY too much). I never do my quiet times anymore because I’m so “busy” wanting to keep in contact with all these people, and stay involved–I make myself too busy to the point where quiet times have become obsolete. I know that I have bad days when I don’t have quiet times, and that is all I have had lately…I want to draw myself back to my Father, and spend my time doing the important things. I have to reach the point of happiness in my Father and call out to Him. It’s totally crazy how busy one person can let themselves become when things change. I mean don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of change, and I love college, but one thing should stay consistent–no, it shouldn’t stay consistent, it should be growing–that’s my relationship with Christ.Β 

So as hard as this is going to be, I am turning off my computer–everything except the things I can’t function without for school such as my email, and my online classroom assignments. My computer will only be used for this and it will be for school purposes ONLY. That means goodbye facebook, and goodbye twitter. Now here is the REALLY DIFFICULT part…..my phone is going off as well. If someone REALLY needs me, you will have to write me a letter– 338B Stinchcomb Hall Stillwater, Oklahoma — if you absolutely HAVE to talk to me before then…you must email me, because I have to stay disciplined in this– megan.maguire@okstate.edu. Although I would really rather you write me a letter because email is going to be very tempting to get on facebook and twitter, and I don’t want put that temptation in my face everyday. But I promise I make a great pen pal πŸ™‚Β 

I have decided to make this commitment starting September 20, 2009. I have not officially decided how long this is going to take, but for now it will be at least one month– that means my posts should be on here by October 20, 2009. If this is not enough time to sort out my issues, I will make a post giving a date extension.Β 

I don’t know how this is going to be, but I have to get my priorities straight, and this is the only way I know how. I am running back to God, and focussing on school as well. I am going to be journaling my way through this, and for those of you that care, I will post my journal entries from this experience and the ending results when I am done with this period. This was not a decision that was made lightly, I have been praying and thinking for a couple of weeks now, and I know that this is the right thing for me.

I would really appreciate everyone’s prayer and support in this decision because it is definitely not easy. I am running to God with all my heart, and this will definitely be a growing and morphing and molding process for me. In many ways I am excited, but I am also VERY nervous and scared, afterall, I am literally cutting myself off from people, but I hope you all understand. I love you all dearly, and I will be so glad to write you letters and email if you want to talk to me and see how it’s going, but I will not be on the computer very much so please send me letters instead of emails. Again, I would appreciate letters much more because being on the computer for too long will really tempt me to get on facebook and twitter which I am giving up. So please try to send paper ha! ha! Thank you so much for everything! I love you all dearly!